I just want to start out by saying I’m not a marriage therapist of counselor, these are tips that are based off of my own marriage and experience being with my husband for 9 years now. Through ups and downs, I have learned so much. You can either become bitter or better from your failures in your relationships. Through good and bad experiences. That can apply to anything in life really!
I’m going to take you through questions I had by asking you in my stories, so before you read on, these are questions from you! I wrote
6 THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM MARRIAGE, and I still stand by all of them. Really good tips.
Lets do this!
Q: “HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO BE A GOOD MOM, WORK AND FIND TIME FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP?”
A: Well, let me just say adding another kid has really taken us through the ringer haha. We don’t have a lot of time right now for our relationship. We’re in a season of just not having that much time when adjusting to our new normal of having two kids. But we both know thats okay. Whatever time we do have we put our phones away and talk to each other, with no distraction. Since getting Liv sleep trained, we both said we’d get both kids to bed by 7pm and then have at least 30 minutes together, not talking about the kids, not talking about work, but just being with each other. It’s been about 1 week of that and its helped SO much. When someone says “I don’t have time for that”.. Thats a lie. You just don’t want to prioritize it. Thats a better way of saying it. Write down whats important to you and prioritize it and make sure you fit that into your day, whether its 5 mins or 2 hours. Make time for whats important to you and put away ALL distractions to focus on your relationship or task you need to complete.
Q: “BEING SELFISH AROUND FAMILY TIME (MY PARENTS VS HIS FAMILY) ESPECIALLY AROUND THE HOLIDAY”
A: This is a good one. Set healthy boundaries. You need to figure out what that is to you and talk about it with one another. I saw this post on @the.holistic.psychologist the other day. You should follow her if you dont! Shes super helpful. Here is what it said.
“HEALTHY BOUNDARIES AROUND THE HOLIDAYS SOUND LIKE:
“I’m going to head upstairs+ get some quiet time” (space boundaries)
“Lets not discuss this topic at tonights dinner” (topic boundaries)
“We won’t be able to stay the night, but we are really looking forward to dinner tomorrow” (time boundaries)
“I am not eating ‘x’ right now but I appreciate you taking the time to make it” (consumption boundaries)
Go take a look at her caption too, so helpful!
Another thing, you need to have the conversation as a couple. Split up families and be fair with what you both want. Compromise and come to an agreement. Have the conversation!
Q: “IS IT HARD AS A COUPLE TO LIVE IN UTAH WHEN YOU’RE NOT LDS?‘
A: I think we’re so used to where we live that I actually haven’t stopped and thought about that. We both were born and raised LDS and have lived in Utah all of our lives, so we’re so used to it. We definitely don’t have a lot of common interests with people around us. Like everyone in our neighborhood is LDS and active, so we’re the odd ones out. All of our neighbors are awesome though, and always there for us. Super nice people. But would it be nice to have a close neighbor that I could invite over for a glass of wine. .. yes haha.
Our very close friends just moved to Montana, so that sucks big time. I have my sister though and brother in law so that makes up for so much. We love them. We have a small group of friends we’ve grown up with that aren’t LDS. So is it hard to actually make friends here who have the same common interests as we do? Yes, it is. If we had moved here and didn’t know anyone, that would be very difficult.
Q: “HOW TO KEEP STRONG COMMUNICATION“
A: Oh man, this is something I’ve had to really learn. Bless my parents, but they have the worst communication skills. I never got taught how to communicate growing up. This is something that has been self taught. I got shown what not to do haha.
The first thing I would say is when something is bugging you, talk about it. Don’t let it sit and fester and build up. You’ll blow eventually. Talk about it when you’re more calm. It’s good to fight, but fight good. Sometimes when TJ and I don’t argue, I worry haha. I’m like we gotta grow somehow, lets get at it haha.
Update each other on whats going on. You both don’t need to know everything about your day, or all the boring stuff. He doesn’t need to know all the ins and outs of your job, and same goes for you. Talk about you two and leave all that other stuff out of the way.
Another thing is, men can’t read minds, or take hints. Tell them exactly what you need out of the relationship.
Another thing, is choose your battles. For example, TJ is a hands on guy, helps with chores, dishes, bedtime, watches the kids whenever I need to go do my thing no questions asked, so when he leaves his shit out, do I keep bickering about it to him, or do I choose my battle? There is no point to me to fight about something so petty when I’d WAY rather him do all the other things, then put away his toothpaste and lotion. You get me?
Q: “HOW DO YOU COMPROMISE IF ONE PARTNER IS MORE “FUN” AND ONE IS MORE OF A HOMEBODY?”
A: Hummm, both TJ and I love to go out and we both love to stay in. There have only been a few times I can think of that TJ didn’t want to go somewhere, and I went without him.
I would say to have a conversation about it beforehand. Pick X amount of days you’re going to go out every month, and X amount of days you’re going to stay in and stick to the plan regardless. At some point you have to compromise and do it for the other person more than you want it. You need to get verbal about what you want. Be specific. Men need SPECIFIC. They can’t read your mind and they can’t take hints. TELL THEM JUST EXACTLY HOW YOU WANT IT.
Q: “DOES YOUR HUSBANDS PAST RELATIONSHIPS HAVE ANY EFFECT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM NOW?”
A: We’ve been together 9 years, my husband has a past that was really hard on me for a while. I met him at age 21, when I was just a wee little one haha. I was still pretty insecure and jealous. It did effect us the first year because I would let it. I would bring it up because I was working through at age 21 and STILL insecure. For the first 2 years I didn’t even want to be in the same room as his ex. But at some point you either need to grow up or move on.
So I grew up and started working on myself and building my confidence up.
Number one NEVER and I mean never bring up EX’S if the other person is not okay about it, because why? Thats in the past. It’s done. Why fight about it? It’s so so silly. We can talk about it now and it has NO effect on either of us. We both know every single inch and detail about our past BUT he only told me all the details when I asked and he knew I was ready. It takes time. You both have to get to a place in your relationship where there is ZERO JEALOUSY and 100% trust!
He gave me no reason to have these issues, they were my own. I’ve always trusted him, I just let jealousy get the best of me.
Now, we’re so solid. His past relations have no affect on me whatsoever. I’ve worked through all those issues, and I also think it comes with age too. I get a long great with his ex wife and the others don’t even cross my mind anymore. It should be that way. We’re all human. It takes time, but my advice is to work through your jealousy issues first. Work on you!
Okay thats it for today, but I kinda love these Q & A’s don’t you? Helps us both get to know each other better, and give tips on what I’ve learned in my past. I’m still learning guys, marriage is WORK. But my husband is a gem and we fight good. Because you gotta fight. It’s life. Don’t burry your feelings, don’t hold grudges, talk about it and be done. Release it!
MY OUTFIT DETAILS
HIS OUTFIT DETAILS
Thanks for taking the time to read this post and ask questions! Let me know if you have anymore questions at all.